I see it all clearly

Went to the ophthalmologist today. Made me uncomfortable not least because I find it difficult to spell, but also because I hate having foreign objects in my eyes. I even gave up trying to wear contact lenses because I could never get the gist of putting them in without spending hours in front of the mirror and ending up looking like a crying panda. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that should be in my eyes is somebody else’s, preferably whispering sweet nothings or something equally as pleasurable.

So I’m in there having my pre-consultant briefing with this woman who’s trying to put some ophthalmology go-gadgetry thing right in my retinas to measure their pressure. Uh-uh, I don’t think so! I can’t help it eh, it’s just my eye’s natural reaction to close up and keep foreign bodies out. After about 5 minutes I sense the woman is getting just a little shitty and probably wants to thump me round the head with her ophthalmology gadget, only she’s far too polite to say. But there’s no missing the exasperation in the air.

We finally get there and next I rock into the ophthalmologist’s office thinking it’s just gonna be more of the same - why did I come here! But this guy’s been around, I could tell. He immediately puts me at ease with his relaxed humour. Whilst I admire his imaginative approach, trying to attach a paperclip to my eyelash in order to grasp it and keep it open (modern technology, eh!) was probably never going to work. However, I could tell that he thinks like me – there’s always more than one way to skin a cat. Instead he opts for the plain old distraction technique. Laughter and a gentle touch will get you anywhere with me (...ssssh, don’t tell anyone)! Before I know it I’ve had stinging colour dyes, long tubes and sharp objects right in my eye. Mate, I’m happy to pay you the $100 odd bucks just to observe your approach!