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Sunday, 31 October 2010

"Thank you for contacting the Prince Charming hotline, your call is very important to us. You are currently number 18,569,874 in our priority queue and we will attend to you as soon as an operator becomes available. We appreciate your patience... please continue to hold.
No time to wait on the line for the next 30,000 years just now? You can find answers to our most common queries on our website at, which many people just like you have found extremely useful. We especially urge you to visit our ‘Manipulative Strategies’ page, which covers basic techniques proven to enhance your chances of success, such as: Flailing For Maximum Impact; Mind Games, Head Fucking, Power Plays & Other Methods of Emotional Blackmail; Protecting Your Financial Investment; A How-To Guide To The Effective Ultimatum; Chucking A Baby At It; Using Others As Pawns To Get What You Want; Entrapment and, of course, that all-time popular favourite for those that simply can't be bothered - Taking The Path Of Least Resistance.
Telling of the blunt truth is definitely not recommended; it risks causing offence - or worse - never getting an opportunity to make it to third base ever again. Instead, subtle hints and half-truths shedding you in a better light are considered best practice to ensure the covering of all eventualities and, technically, are quite different from outright fibs. This way you are exonerated from any resulting falling debris. It is also worth noting that we strongly advocate the use of avoidance tactics (information on the latter can be found in the aforementioned Path Of Least Resistance sub-section).
Sleeping with the myriad of rich, but geriatric and creepy married men that are always trying to put their leery hands all over you and who live in hope that, if they get you drunk enough you will go for it, is one form of potential validation you might find helpful. Lie back, think of England, and focus on all the money and trinkets and stuff. Failing that, looking up an ex that you don't actually want but who you know never really got over you, stealing someone else’s man or moving onto your ex’s mates are some other particularly popular options.
Alternative desperate measure therapies include dancing on pub tables knickerless whilst drinking yourself into a stupor, taking up a chemical addiction, throwing yourself into your work, jumping off a cliff, writing rubber cheques from a remaining joint account, fine-tuning your personal radar frequency, trekking to Cambodia to dig irrigation channels, lining your walls with self-help books and listening to Bob Dylan incessantly just for his uplifting factor.

Naturally, you are officially prohibited in any public place from smiling, talking to or even acknowledging the existence of any members of the opposite sex who are already ensnared. This just makes everybody feel uncomfortable and often leads to serious conditions of jealously, dark looks, hissy-fits, things people would rather not think about, knives in the back and general all round ugliness. You are, after all, directly responsible for the insecurities of every other person in the priority queue, not to mention the planet. In fact, it is preferable if at all possible, that you either leave town or turn lesbian.
Lastly, we admire and encourage your ongoing cynicism; this will get you far. If you wish to request a call back from a member of our staff - please lie down, remove your bra, leave the keys in the letterbox and we will be with you shortly."