Just call me "Chopper"

Who ever said relocating to the provinces is a downward career move? To sum up the past year from a vocational perspective …well it's been interesting. Let me see, I’ve been apple bobbing, carried out roading inspections, wandered around sawmills in the middle of nowhere, worked for some large NZ companies, joined a local internet cluster, and learned lots about totally random things like aviation communication systems and battery banks. An upcoming assignment will see me being helicoptered to work in Golden Bay to project manage a property refit for someone who owns half the South Island. Just where will it stop I wonder?

One thing is for sure, life in Thea’s world is never dull. Freelancing from the provinces suits me just fine.

Growing out

I tapped this poem out the other night when I had nothing better to do. I showed it to a new friend of mine; someone I hardly know but with whom I share a similar wave length. Their response made me cry. That's not to say they didn't like it, but sometimes I forget how much people can see me.

Why is it called growing up when surely it’s more like growing out? Body and mind expand in all kinds of unexpected directions. And never stop.

At some point you learn to tie your own shoes and balance on a bike. Facts, figures and crafty techniques become forever embossed in the brain. Talents honed.

Gems of knowledge previously scoffed at in folly as old wives tales are proved correct and finally start sticking to the sides. A new appreciation for the wisdom of age and experience. And you learn never to say never, because you just never know.

Emotions become friends. Once the realisation hits that they are intended to be felt and not suppressed. Understanding the beauty and simplicity of like attracts like. It’s called smiling from your soul and living in now. Why would you want to waste a single moment?

Fear. Mostly it never happens, unless dwelled upon too long. The deepest and darkest are best looked at straight in the face and firmly requested to move on. No vagrants here please.

Here I find my limbs outstretched ready to embrace. Like the Pilates class of being. Spirit fingers tingle, feeling for life’s texture in some kind of Braille. But then, I’m only 33 and two thirds. What would I know really?

Dreams to reality

As a wee tacker (ie. probably up until last year) on Sunday family outings I used to pretend my imaginery horse in my imaginery horse float was being towed around behind my Dad’s Mitsi Mirage. Yeah, an active imagination was essential growing up in Wangavegas.

A warning to all road users; this could soon be me - only on a much bigger scale eh. The horse is the right colour though. Do you think visioning 2 tonnes on the back of my Barbie jeep in my sleep will help with the new real life reversing skills I’ll have to come to grips with? I swear it used to help whilst learning to swim when I was six. It’s alright, I’ve got a huge carpark to practice in at the orchard before I go public ;P

The hourglass figure

Some ladies and I measured our vital statistics
(aren’t womanfolk odd)
Most surprised to find I possess the perfect hourglass
according to the measurements and ratios
All these years I just thought I had a massive butt!
Isn’t life great;
positivity can be found in everything
I love myself just the way I am.

The beard of knowledge

Really flattered today. I was asked to consider an off campus part-time marking/teaching role for a NZ tiertiary institution. “We usually require a post grad qualification…” - I definitely don’t have one of those. “You are an outstanding student and technical writer…” – Err… thanks, I’ve been one for all of about 9 months! But keep on with the compliments eh, I don’t mind at all!

I see it all just as the beginning of achieving my goal of becoming NZ’s technical writing poster girl! The industry could definitely do with a shake up. The time is nigh. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that, but still, watch this space…

In saying all that, a few years ago I never would have believed I would be working for myself, let alone aiming to actually stand up and be noticed. Part of it’s that underlying determined streak I was born with, but a lot of it is due to the really cool people around me in their various guises. Whether they realise it or not, they are a continuous source of inspiration and motivation for me. Thanks y’all - love u lots :)

Ladies will appreciate this

If you’ve spent much time around me, you’ll know that I’m pretty much a low key jeans and t-shirt sort of gal. Every now and then I make an effort, but I’m really a tomboy at heart. That was until earlier this year when I took an evening class in style and fashion. I was quite surprised at how much I enjoyed it and how much it motivated me.

I am a woman; obviously I don’t need a lot of motivation to shop! More to step outside my comfort zone every now and then and try different things to see what works. Admittedly, sometimes the results are particularly tragic, but other times I feel like a million bucks. The best part is how much fun I have playing dress-ups just like I'm eight again!

My tutor told me the art of being stylish comes down to buying wisely and co-ordinating well. Did you know that most people wear 10% of their clothes 90% of the time? So this week I’ve put it all to the test. Every couple of months I head off for a few days of business/pleasure in Wellington. I always end up lugging this humungus bag around and most of its contents come home unworn. Last time the airport even plastered a HEAVY BAGGAGE >20KG sticker on it!

Not this time. Six days. A 3-day conference. Business meetings. Nights out on the town. Rugged adventures. What have I packed in my bag? My own personal record of only 14 separate articles of clothing. Please bear in mind it's wild windy Wellington, not known for its tropical climate. Wearing an average of 3 garments at any one time with no repetitive ensembles, I am ready to step out looking stylish for any and all occassions.

I’m taking bets on how many articles will come back unworn this time. See if I can get down to 10 items or less by next trip. I prefer to travel light…

Today

I came across this poem written by NZ author Anne-Louise Philpott back before I was even born. I really liked it though; some days I can really relate and I've great admiration for those who can smile at themselves through their own confusion.

TODAY
I've smoked
a little
McKuen,
read a
banana
or four
eaten my
correspondence
and posted
a packet
or more
and TOMORROW
I"ll run
over my
hair with
a toothless
comb,
stalk in
a park
or three,
fritter an
hour or
two typing,
and wonder
what's
happening
to me.

Quirky?

Someone described me as quirky this week. I'm not sure if it was meant in a complimentary way or not, but I suspect it may have come from a silly habit I have of talking to inanimate objects. It's not that I'm completely insane (although that definitely runs in the family) or that I expect them to talk back. Rather that I like to find amusement in the most everyday things around me. Outlook is everything. For example, the thing that made me chuckle to myself the most this week was when a horse at the paddock got frightened and shied at the sound of its own fart! Ho Ho Ho, I'm still LMAO at that one...

Golden Days

Kinda like Thelma & Louise, only we had a hot rod, slimey eels and rosy glow chocolate. Just back from a couple'o'days in Golden Bay with a mate. We managed to out-drink the locals and NOT get arrested - check out more pics.

Butter wouldn't melt

...or so you might think. Charlie Brown chilling out in the morning sun over the weekend. Really, how could this wee pony be anything but sweet and docile?

Well rewinding back just a couple of weeks ago it was more like Crazy Charlie and Rodeo Bill. Only Crazy Charlie was completely insane and Rodeo Bill was crying girlie tears of frustration. Spring grass is like a drug problem for a horse (well no, maybe just my horse!), it sends him fruit-loopy for a few weeks every year. But you have to let them eat it at some point eh. But up close it's not pretty and I was shitting bricks trying to deal with one uncontrollable, mad mother F of a horse.

Despite the fact that a horse weighs around half a tonne and has a hell of a lot of power (and so has the physical ability to do pretty much whatever he wants whenever he wants), getting a horse to do what you want really mostly comes down to him believing that you are the more powerful. Like so many things, it's pyschological. You can whip him into shape obviously, but my concern has always been that the relationship is then based purely on fear and not on trust. One day when the situation arises that the shit really hits the fan, the horse is gonna split and run for his own life without a second thought for me and my safety.

So I've been trying out some horse whispering techniques, aka Natural Horsemanship. Made famous by Pat Parelli (who has made a small fortune by now I'm sure), in a nutshell the approach is based on imitating horses' own behaviour in the herd situation to win the leader status, ie. the horse will look to me to make decisions and provide protection.

You start out playing with them from the ground using ropes and signals (because I don't have horse teeth, horse legs and hopefully not a horse face!), until pretty soon you can get your horse to do heaps of stuff just by using hand signals or some sort of physical or verbal cue. I still have a long way to go, but the results have been immediate and positive. After 15mins my horse had more respect for me - no more barging into my space; no more swinging his arse round at me when he didn't want me picking up his feet, no more rearing up on the end of the lead rope frightening me half to death. Now I can do things like remain standing still in one spot whilst send him walking backwards using a simple command. This now works whether he's attached to me by rope or not and we make use of obstacles like poles he has to walk backwards over or backwards through streams. We've started on sideways manoeuvres now and after that will come riding with no bridle and trying to get similar techniques to work when on his back. When I can get him walking up into a horsefloat on command I'll throw a party (horses are natural claustrophobics and Crazy Charlie had to be sedated to get him on the horse truck from Wellington to Nelson)!

So, it's cool and really exciting to see a different approach achieving results. Heaps big thanks to Tanja and Kim for supporting me when I was struggling and encouraging me to try something new. Hopefully I can capture some of our horseplay on film for the full effect.

Dear Santa...

Predictably the Christmas retail craziness is starting again already - or maybe I just read too many magazines! Last year I came up with a barter-of-skills rather than presents theory, but no one really bought into that eh, so this year I've decided to jump on the consumerism bandwagon instead!

I'm skint so don't expect too much from me, but to make it easy for you all I've put a lot of thought into what I'd like to find gift wrapped under the tree for ME this year. I hardly ever get presents from anyone, so don't be shy about pushing the boat out! Yeah, I know I'm a cheeky bitch. However, if you're only 8 and get pretty paltry pocket money I've been thoughtful enough to include great gift ideas to suit all budgets.


Dear Santa Claus,

I've been a really good girl this year. I've only got drunk a handful of times, hardly touched any illegal drugs at all and indulged in very little inappropriate sex or otherwise. I have been kind to people and tried hard not to witch & moan too much when idiots have REALLY annoyed me. Bless. So translated, I reckon I deserve some really good stuff in my stocking this year. Here's my list, I"ll be sure to update it as other wants and desires come to mind.

1. Most of all I'd like a horse float so me and my nag can cruise around and explore new places. I'd even be happy with good quality second-hand, but it must be a double!
   
2. Perhaps something swanky to lie on in my lounge in the sun and on the patio. Blob beanbags are the coolest. BTW my decor is red, black and beige.
   
3. Naturally return flights to practically anywhere are inspiring. Someone to go somewhere with would be an added bonus; do you have any plans for the new year Santa?
   
4. I CRAVE Wagamama food. I'm drooling just thinking about it. They have opened some restaurants in Auckland now, but failing that, the Wagamama Cookbook would be good.
   
5. Saw this in a magazine and thought it was a bloody good idea. I plan to drink lots of beer this summer.
   
6. If you bought me a western saddle I might even consider sleeping with you (none of those cheap imitations mind!). I've already got the lasso to put on the side.
   
7. A Wintec 2000 All Purpose saddle would also be tops. I've had my existing saddle for about 20 years and my posterior has grown a bit since then eh.
   
8. I love the groovy little tins Vixen Condoms come in (excuse the pun). I'm sure they'd look real pretty in my purse eh. Would be even more fun using them.
   
9. I am forever buying printer cartridges which drives me nuts. Not very exciting, but useful nonetheless - HP93 and HP98 is what I use. Thanks.
   
10. Subscription to Wild Tomato, Simply You, Marie Claire or Inside Out would not be sniffed at. Would go well with the beanbag and the beer and the summer thing I reckon.
    
11. I've been thinking of buying a crockpot. Im into self-cooking meals eh.
    
12. I think I need to invest in some new tramping socks cos I've been getting blisters.
    
13. Don't bother with flowers, I prefer plants. Succulents are my favourite cos they are practically impossible to kill and always provide a good patio background for drinking margaritas!
    
14. For ages now I've been looking out for a really cool teapot in which to concoct refreshing brews. Unfortunately I'm yet to see one that calls to me "BE MINE!"
    
15. As a woman naturally I am easily won over with trickets, lace and other trifles :P

Thanks Santa. You're da bomb. Lots of love from Thea xx

My new life

As I sat in my office this afternoon having a very important meeting with myself and working on my spring tan, I couldn’t help thinking how much life has changed.

I’m still the same (sarcastic, pain-in-the-arse) person I was six months ago ofcourse; perhaps just slightly more provincial, whilst retaining a certain big city open mindedness! But as the months have gone by since I moved to Nelson I have definitely felt myself chilling out. These days I’m practically horizontal!

Every now and then I wonder if I’m barking. Like when I’m going through a lonely social retard phase or I’m not entirely sure where my next rent payment is coming from. But I’ve also discovered great new things about myself: I make a mean and moist chocolate muffin; I seem to have the ability to convince complete strangers that I know what I’m doing; and putting myself in tight spots is a great recipe for creativity.

I went back to Welly recently, and although it was fun, I’m glad I don’t live there anymore. I miss my mates ofcourse and the option to go to lots of great gigs, but I’m glad to be away from the consumerism craziness that tends to engulf me in the big city. And I can definitely live without rush hour.

I’m chilled, but challenged. Life is good.

Can I pull it off?

I got roped into going to a charity auction tonight. It was a good cause; raising money for a local woman’s cancer treatment. The food, wine and company were excellent. I didn’t actually intend to buy anything, but the items was pretty good and going for a steal (at least until the wine took effect and lubricated people’s wallets).

I’m not really a label chick, but my bargain purchase was a Trelise Cooper long velvet robe. It wasn’t until upon closer inspection when I got home that I realised it’s actually meant to be a dressing gown type of robe! To be fair, perhaps I should have twigged to this earlier; it is pink after all, with lace trim and intricate beading!

I don't care; I think it’s super cool. I also reckon I can get away with wearing it out in some trendy ensemble and no one will even twig that I’m actually wearing sleepwear!! Anyone willing to place a bet?

Whaddayareckon – can I pull it off?

The Rodeo

Today it was four pretty decent bronco bucks to get me off
I landed on my feet. Lucky.
Sometimes I reckon I must be nuts
Half a tonne of power + unpredictability

We're mates really
That big moke and me
We obviously just have trust issues
Now I know how John Wayne got that walk...

Misc ramblings of an insomniac

It’s 2am and I can’t sleep. I’ve tried counting sheep, body relaxation techniques, wild dreams …and I’m still wide awake. Bugger. So I’m hoping the cream cheese and crackers I just polished off will do the trick :P

I don’t really mind eh, except for in the morning I’m sooo-oo-o tired and can’t get up. Like this morning when I turned my alarm off and went back to dreamland. Then got startled and awoken suddenly with the phone ringing. Non compos mentis so I didn’t answer it. The message said they were going to be spraying noxious poison at the orchard today so to keep all my windows and doors shut. Only I was still 75% asleep and I thought he said they were spraying novocaine. My neighbors on the orchard are away and have a friend staying at their pad. So I left a note to tell him to leave his windows shut for a couple of days cos they are spraying novocaine. Only now I look up what novocaine is and I realise that can’t be what they were spraying. Or if it was, then it should be helping me to sleep, not hindering it I reckon. And the guy next door is a school teacher too – hopefully he doesn’t teach science…

So anyway, in my insomniac state I’ve been rummaging around and found this poem about Denniston on the west coast that I copied down when I was there some weeks ago. I remember it cos it was so windy I nearly lost my wig while standing outside writing it down!

Denniston – described as “a place either loved or hated, but always with a passion”. Anyway, I kinda liked the poem. Enjoy. Good night.

Damn Denniston
Damn the track
Damn the way both there and back
Damn the wind and damn the weather
God damn Denniston altogether
ANONYMOUS

Making the first move

So I’ve emerged from my lonely cave of cynicism now and the world is wonderful again! I think it’s been something to do with all this rain we’ve been getting eh. I’m over it; bring on spring and the sunshine please :)

A bloke I know recently made comment about how NZ girls are so forward (from this I can only assume he gets propositioned regularly). I’m not sure if this was an approach he liked or not, but I think it’s kinda interesting.

I’ve asked a few guys out in my time, but pretty much only when I’ve been confident the answer will be yes. No one likes rejection! It’s great to be asked out (even if you don’t want to go and decline), so why shouldn’t that work both ways? It’s good to make people feel good. You’d think so anyway. But sometimes it can backfire.

A female friend told me a funny story today about getting up the courage to make the first move. The guts of the scenario was that she ran into a guy she had met on several previous occasions. Each time they met she had felt an attraction and she was pretty sure from his behaviour that it was mutual. So after much deliberation, the next day she decided to do something she wouldn’t normally do and call on him where he worked at a local bottle shop and ask him out. What was the worst that could happen she said to herself? He could say no. Big deal.

She walks into the shop full of smiles. He’s there - and obviously surprised to see her from the look on his face. The following conversation ensues:

Cute Guy: “Did you have a good evening last night?”
Femme Fatale: “Yes. But I realised I forgot to give you my phone number”
Cute Guy: “I’m glad you didn’t”
Femme Fatale: [Pauses] “Oh right. Why?”

[Silence]

Femme Fatale: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Cute Guy: “Umm, yes. And she's sitting right there!”

[Girlfriend looks less than impressed. Femme Fatale handles the situation well by cracking up into loud laughter and exiting the shop quicker than a dog with a foot up its arse]

After hearing this story I was glad I didn’t act on complete impulse and make any moves on a guy I met last week who got my heart racing. I may have missed out on a great opportunity, but at least I don't need to avoid the local bottle shop now!

Big ups to the coast

So back now from my road trip down the West Coast last week. AWESOME!

Trying (not very successfully) to get back into reality and a working routine - still in holiday mode!

I finally set myself up a Flickr account, so check out my photos if you feel that way inclined.

Life on a kiwifruit orchard

Life is not unlike a kiwifruit
I’ve realised this since I’ve been surrounded by them
(ok, actually I just drew the analogy last night!)

Sometimes more like a Chinese Gooseberry
- small, hard and hairy
But nothing beats fruit ripened on the vine
- mmmm sweet and delicious

So many things to like…
- a quick, easy snack
- and terribly good for you
- a unique zesty taste
- may be added to alcohol

It just keeps on giving
What an adventure
Life is good; feeling fine


And to think I didn’t even used to like Kiwifruit
Generally I prefer strawberries on my pavlova eh :P

WTF

I really don’t know what’s come over me... ...no really... this is serious...

I’ve been getting all creative in the kitchen and I really don’t know what’s brought it all on. I went to www.taste.co.nz and got all inspired. I’m like the Swedish chef off The Muppets humming in the kitchen and throwing things around in pure ecstasy. WTF???

Oh yeah, and I’ve been out on my bicycle ...something is definitely in the air ...rest assured I'm keeping a watchful eye out for those men in their little white coats...

Familiarity breeds contempt?

I’ve been feeling a little disillusioned of late. Disappointed at how mucked up people are. This whole happy families thing… I’m not convinced about it eh.

Observations this past week or so at how much people emotionally hurt one another, whether intentionally or not. Projecting blame and dishing out punishment without perhaps really taking into account what part the self may have contributed to whatever less than ideal scenario is playing out.

I’m intrigued (appalled?) at how much ego, insecurity and the need for control seems to get in the way and f**** things up between folk though. It’s probably not anyone’s fault. But equally, is it love?

Perhaps I’m just getting old and cynical. And unrealistic. Not to mention so out of practice I have no right whatsoever to comment! But you know what? I’m actually okay with that. I’m over lust and infatuation; it’s all pretty meaningless at the end of the day. I’d rather grow something.

Then you catch sight of a really old couple somewhere acting like in-love teenagers and you can’t help but smile and feel warm inside :)

Sicko

I’ve been sick all week which has been a bit sucky. Lemsip is overrated (and I’ve been through a whole pot of honey trying to make the stuff actually taste nice) so now I’ve turned to whisky. My theory is that even if it doesn’t kill the germs it should act as a great anesthetic.

I’m still vaguely hoping someone – anyone - will pitch up at my doorstop with some hot chicken soup. But hey, I’ve been thinking that ever since I left home some fifteen years ago and so far it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m not holding my breath!

It’s also been very cold and frosty. If I want to go out after 9:30pm at night I have to chip the frost off my car windscreen first. Out of almost every window of my little house I can see crisp white snow capping the hills like fresh vanilla icecream. Hmmm, perhaps I should get out my witches cauldron (again) and make some mulled wine just to get into the whole winter wonderland theme…

Just because I’ve been sick the week hasn’t been any less eventful. I’ve seen a grown man piss in his own kitchen sink (the mind boggles), after tomorrow I’ll be officially unemployed (not that I’m complaining), and as always I’ve learnt lots of new, interesting and inspiring things.

I can hardly contain my excitement to see what next week will bring. Next thing, someone will actually leave a comment and I'll have a heart attack!

Home Sweet Home

I’ve almost clocked up 4 months in this new town. It’s always felt right, but now it’s really starting to feel like home. Why, you may well ask?

To start with, my list of favourite places to hang out is getting longer. They no longer fit on the back of a matchbox. This week, with the help of a new friend, I even discovered a very cool, very small drinking hole in the back streets of Richmond of all places. If my first experience of it is anything to go by I think it may be another place to add to my famous TARDIS list. That being, when you’re in it you lose all sense of time and when you come out of it your perspective on the outside world has often changed remarkably from when you went in. LOL, don’t even ask!

At the last quick count I also must know at least half a dozen people now that I can and want to call up, who even invite me out to soirées from time to time. Sometimes I even find messages left on my answerphone which are purely leisure related. There is a God!

Throw into the mix that I’m beginning to learn the back road shortcuts; the best places to eat in town; I run into people I know in the street; …oh yeah, and it’s been raining for the last three days which makes it feel a little too much like Welly Town!

I’m just lovin’ looking up at the snow capped ranges on my door step and the eternal fruit bowl of Nelson that just keeps on giving to me! I’ve also just bought the mother of all comfy sofa beds for anyone that wants to come and stay and soak it up for themselves.

Rock on!

The System

Carrying on with the dating theme, a friend emailed me this the other day cos she thought it was kind of appropriate! Thanks Leese, LMAO :P

Date Scones

This ‘dating’ thing cracks me up. I’m no wallflower but I don’t think I have ever in my life before really ‘dated’ until the last couple of years. And if you ask me, it’s distinctly bloody odd. It must be a grown-up thing to do. How terribly civilised.

Growing up in Wangas, dating consisted of hanging out in town on a Friday night in your best (and tightest) jeans! Cruising around in cars with boys, or if you got really lucky, you’d park up at the beach and snog a bit while you drank your hipflask and shared a joint. Aaaaah, the Mighty Manawatu LOL!

Instead of “Blind Date” it’s now “Blind Data”. If you want, you’re just a couple of clicks away from meeting someone new. There’s also speed dating and someone told me about this new thing here in Nelson (that some stoner must of dreamt up) where you sit around and stare into other people’s eyes for a bit to see if you get inspired. Although apparently it was cancelled due to lack of interest - I’m not surprised eh!

If I think about the successful (and I use that term loosely) relationships I’ve had, they’ve pretty much all been with people I’ve already known – and just started to look at differently :P I wasn’t worried about what they did for a living, whether they wanted/had/were a kid, what their attitude on life was – cos I already vaguely knew. I didn’t know about the size of the hands thing then either!!!

I think perhaps its time to go back to my witches’ cauldron and make myself a bloke! He’ll have all the things that are REALLY important… a spa pool, a well stocked liquor cabinet, an awesome music collection and be as funny as f**k…

Good times!

Just Hanging

The highlight of my week was spending time with some mates who came down to visit me from Welly Town.

Collected ‘em from the airport very very early one extremely crisp, cold morning. I’m always keen to hear how they find coming over the ditch on Sounds Air’s little Cessna. Generally people either absolutely love it and find it an adrenalin buzz, or conversely spend the whole time cacking themselves! Personally I reckon it’s the coolest plane ride I’ve ever been on - gotta love the views and those huge banking corners! Just enough fear to know you're alive eh!!

Was a great couple of days. We just hung out, amusing ourselves and laughing a lot as you do. We ate HEAPS; I kicked their arses at “the hardest mini-golf course in the world” (so the dude told us anyway); finally took Buck out and got him all dirtied up – that was HEAPS OF FUN and going by all the shrieks, laughter and general noises of amusement they thought so too; discovered some cool driftwood caves at the beach to hangout in and take photos of; and generally just made well meaning fun of one another.

Thanks guys – just what I needed – you rock!

Alter Ego?

I have a week to come up with an alter ego. An image that epitomises in my wildest dreams who I am and how I am perceived.

It’s all part of this fashion & style class I’ve been going to for something different to do. By now I possess (in theory at least) all the skills and dark arts to ensure I am never ever caught looking anything but my most fabulous. Yeah right.

It’s all good though. Next week is all about cultivating a personal style. So I need an alter ego apparently, but so far inspiration hasn’t exactly grabbed me. The woman who takes the class has a female James Bond as hers – sophisticated, sexy, resourceful, jumps buildings in a single bound – that sort of thing. Not bad, but my style is probably just a little more laid-back. That is, there are many aspects of my life where wearing glammed up gear everyday just wouldn’t work. Yet this is no reason not to be looking stylish at all times evidently.

So I’m thinking my alter ego would need to be pretty versatile. Like someone who happily hangs out in mountain cabins, looking gorgeous (yet fitting) whilst fixing tractors and covering oneself in mud. Is at home loitering around in dark alleys working as a covert spy (or perhaps is just mysteriously shady!). Yet with the uncanny ability to silence a room and send jaws dropping with classy and seductive evening style. Perhaps some sort of cross between Cameron Diaz, Urma Thurman, Lara Croft, Kate Hudson and goodness knows who else.

Hmmm… interesting, but I think it needs more work. As always, open to suggestions…

Rotten in Denmark

Due to a shortage of space, at one of the jobs I work my desk is located in a corridor between offices, the kitchen and WCs. It has its advantages - I have the best view in the whole building and get to talk to lots of folk passing by throughout the day. Unfortunately I also have a direct view to the toilets and can’t help but be aware of comings and goings throughout the day.

Now we’re all human and what goes on in there is a private matter between you and your backside as far as I’m concerned …until a fluttering brown eye is flaunted in the public domain that is. Not mentioning any names ofcourse, but there’s this one older guy who pretty much everyday without fail attends to his “needs”. You know it’s coming as soon as he closes the door. The room starts shaking and everybody within a 200m radius is awoken from their reverie by a thundering clap. Followed by what can only be described as all too realistic moist, wet, rotten faaAAAAArting noises. Call me a girl, but it’s definitely enough to put me off my stride and make me feel a little nauseous.

The environment is pretty much male dominated and they all think make great jokes about it - but not to his face I notice – I reckon deep down they’re scared too! They work in IT. I reckon they should create him a little icon for his computer desktop. It would have a picture of a piece of crap, all brown, smelly and disgusting like. Underneath it could simply say “Happens Daily”.

Maybe he’s a mate of Kevin Bloody Wilson. Or a reincarnation of famous French professional farter, Joseph Pujol (aka Le Pétomane). Or perhaps he’s a wombat. A wombat? Yeah, the wombat uses its bum to produce something of a novelty – square poos. No shit!

Whatever he is, I've made a mental note never to shake his hand.

The best of friends

Here's to you Teal, my beloved Doberman who sadly died this weekend. You lived life fast and full and I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe. You always did run much faster than you could think.

I loved you as my family, thank you for the awesome years we had together. We had some wicked adventures eh, and you were certainly well travelled for being only 5. You were one big bounding idiot, exuberant just in the joy of life. Simply, you wanted to make friends with everybody you came across, whether 4 paws or 2, and you won over many and most hearts. You gave the best doggy hugs and bought a smile to my face every single day no matter what was going on in life. I choose to remember you so.

Maybe God has finally given you the tail you never had (not that you were ever short of wag). I’m sure there’s plenty of doves and angels to chase up there - assuming they don’t have seagulls in heaven – and you and Kosher are keeping good company now.

I will miss you and your velvety ears more than I care to admit. LUM xx

Perspective

The lense you look through dictates what you see
...sometimes you cannot see wood for all the trees
Alter the focus, play with the light
What once seemed dim may in fact be bright

The colour of your dog

A little melancholy is slipping in this week. Even just the passing thought of being suffocated by it gives me the shits. Too much work and no play, and too much time in my own company I suspect. I need a change of scenery.

I’ve been here 3 months and haven’t ventured too much further than my own backyard (a couple of trips up North hardly count). It’s a long weekend next week - the last of ‘em until October in fact. I need to go somewhere. Somewhere I’ve never been before.

I own a new set of wheels and plenty of warm gear. Perhaps I’ll just set off in a direction and see what happens. After all, I own a brown dog, not a black one.

Mix'n'Match

OK, so admittedly I've seen more flattering pics, but... reckon ya can correctly match these dogs to their owners below? If so, what gives it away?

This is more riveting than the Woman's Day huh :P

Send your answers via a comment. A point for guessing each correct combination; a further point for each ...errr... semi-logical reason for putting each combination together. In the meantime I'll think of an appropriate prize.

Like sands through the hourglass...

If time is a commodity, where can I get some more?
I don’t want to pay for it; I’m feeling a little poor
I’d like some more hours in the day to do the stuff I like
To walk the dog, read a book, or maybe ride my bike

I would like to gallop my horse and keep him company
To sit quietly on a grassy hill; take time to simply be
A few hours to daydream - and many more to sleep
Practice being a couch potato …or run and jump and leap

To laugh with friends and lend a helping hand
Dress up in a party frock, boogie down to funky band
Time enough to follow up on all those bright spark plans
Bake a cake, roast a chook and down a few cold cans!

To use the bathroom without thinking - “crikey, it needs a clean”
Go off each day, be hard at work and make my wallet beam
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my life
It could be worse - I could be bored - indeed that would be strife!

Meet Buck

I’ve got someone new in my life:

He’s dark & sexy; yet not too flashy
Strong, agile and responsive
The rugged outdoors type, but still very smoooove…
The ideal versatile companion

Looks a bit like this only he’s black. Can't vouch for the snow handling yet, but already done the thick 2am fog thing bringing him back down south last night. I'm sure he'll pull the hosses round just dandy.

...Only I can’t decide - should I clean him or get him dirty???

I see it all clearly

Went to the ophthalmologist today. Made me uncomfortable not least because I find it difficult to spell, but also because I hate having foreign objects in my eyes. I even gave up trying to wear contact lenses because I could never get the gist of putting them in without spending hours in front of the mirror and ending up looking like a crying panda. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that should be in my eyes is somebody else’s, preferably whispering sweet nothings or something equally as pleasurable.

So I’m in there having my pre-consultant briefing with this woman who’s trying to put some ophthalmology go-gadgetry thing right in my retinas to measure their pressure. Uh-uh, I don’t think so! I can’t help it eh, it’s just my eye’s natural reaction to close up and keep foreign bodies out. After about 5 minutes I sense the woman is getting just a little shitty and probably wants to thump me round the head with her ophthalmology gadget, only she’s far too polite to say. But there’s no missing the exasperation in the air.

We finally get there and next I rock into the ophthalmologist’s office thinking it’s just gonna be more of the same - why did I come here! But this guy’s been around, I could tell. He immediately puts me at ease with his relaxed humour. Whilst I admire his imaginative approach, trying to attach a paperclip to my eyelash in order to grasp it and keep it open (modern technology, eh!) was probably never going to work. However, I could tell that he thinks like me – there’s always more than one way to skin a cat. Instead he opts for the plain old distraction technique. Laughter and a gentle touch will get you anywhere with me (...ssssh, don’t tell anyone)! Before I know it I’ve had stinging colour dyes, long tubes and sharp objects right in my eye. Mate, I’m happy to pay you the $100 odd bucks just to observe your approach!

Please stop witching & moaning at me

Okay, so I suspect that this wee rant could offend some people and lose me a few readers… but I don’t care cos you lot never leave me any comments anyway. Blogs are supposed to be interactive you know!

I’m not an overly sympathetic person. I mean, I’m supportive of people – if something bad has happened or if someone needs help or encouragement – hey, I’m there. I do take a fairly practical approach to most things though, and if you wanted someone to sit beside you for hours clucking and wiping your brow… well that someone probably isn’t me. If the tables were turned, I’d rather you cracked jokes to try and laugh me out of my misery than sat their sobbing with me in sympathy.

So it probably won’t surprise you to know that sometimes… just sometimes… the dark witch inside me really has to hold herself back from dishing out a few brash face slaps to get some people to tune into reality! …Oops, I shouldn’t have said that out loud should I?

I can be patient, but I find it very difficult past a certain point. I lose respect pretty quickly for people that repetitively whinge, moan or generally feel sorry for themselves without having the guts or motivation to do anything about it. There are opportunities for everyone everywhere; you just have to want to see them.

The following expressions have all been done-to-death and yet uncannily still hold true:

1. The world does not owe you any favours. AKA: quit blaming everyone else.
2. Shit happens to everyone. Sometimes small shit, sometimes big nasty shit. Recognise it, but don't live your whole life using it as an excuse for who you choose to be now.
3. Actions speak louder than words. Always.
4. You cannot control others' actions, but you do have control over your own.
5. It is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. AKA: what are you so afraid of and is it really that bad?
6. If people do not know you for who you really are, they cannot possibly love you. AKA: stop faking it.
7. You are responsible for your own life and happiness. AKA: Live life like you mean it.

Right, I’m going to go now before somebody points out that I still haven’t stopped smoking or lost those extra pounds… and if anyone makes any comments about bloody Nelson hippies …well, just watch out :P

Prison Break

The funniest thing I’ve heard for a few days was my fabulous friend telling me about her week and how she’d managed to lock herself in a small room of a back flat she was painting. She waited hours (with her cigarettes left in another room – bummer!) for one of the neighbours to go out into their backyard, upon which she eagerly tried to catch his attention by yelling through a small crack, as far as the window would open.

After finally convincing him she was not taking the mickey and explaining (as much as you can through a narrow crack) that she was stuck in the room, she was finally released. The stranger came and let her out whilst bending over backwards laughing his head off.

This is the same gal who a few months ago, whilst trying to break into my brothers house after locking ourselves out, stood in hysterics whilst I got stuck in a very small top light window saying “if you could just get your arse in…”. Hey F – I think we’re even now, eh…

I got lost in a toilet cubical once and couldn’t find my way out, but that doesn’t count cos it was pitch black and I was only 6.

The Wicked Witch's Kitchen

I seem to have become something of a professional dinner guest. I probably eat more at other peoples’ houses than I actually ever cook at my own. It’s even got to the stage that when people ask me “Would you like to stay for dinner?" my response is often - “Maybe, but what are you having?” That’s really bad right? Really rude. But nevertheless true - I’m nothing if not honest.

Maybe I should look at it more as singing for my supper. They provide the food and I provide the entertainment. Better still, perhaps I could become one of those professional dinner speakers, like for charity events and stuff? Maybe I have to be famous first though, eh.

Last year I was staying with some good friends of mine in Aus, and as they were going out, I offered to cook dinner for their kids so they didn’t have to worry about it. It was only afterward that my friend (who has been like a sister to me for 20 years) said “I didn’t realise you could actually cook”. It’s all just a myth ofcourse; I can cook. I can even cook quite well when I put my mind to it. It’s just the sheer routine boredom of it that I don’t particularly like. I mean, if it's the weekend and you have heaps of time it can be quite cool. But otherwise it just seems like a bit of a chore and a distraction from other stuff that I’d rather be doing.

I’ve even had long-term relationships with guys who believed I could not cook. Personally, I reckon I’m onto a good thing – 1) if they think I can’t cook I get out of it nicely the majority of the time, and 2) when I do knock up something simple they make a big deal out of! My kind of entertaining is either potluck, or nibbles and cocktails and cocktails and cocktails and cocktails. To redeem myself though, last year I did go to the extreme and baked a chocolate cake for a guy I had a crush on. I made it from scratch with extra special icing and everything. He didn’t really appreciate it enough though until it was too late and by then I had lost interest… The only other baking I've done since then was delicious, but for some reason it made me see funny.

Anyway, I’m determined to change my useless ways. I WILL TRY to become more organised and creative in the kitchen. Willow gave me this cool link to a foodie website where you can enter in your ingredients and it returns appropriate recipes. That might keep me amused for at least a week! If you’re interested, check it out. My own cuisine links are of a sightly different theme, but no less fun or exotic. I find a blender helps.

Better go now - I’ve been invited out for dinner tonight to a nice house on the hills above Tahuna! ;P

Open To Suggestions...

Problem:
Need to find strapping lad(s)/lad-ess(es) to help me load/unload 60 bales of hay on Saturday (cos person sharing the hay with me and who will remain nameless has let me down, grrrr, bmph, !@#$?!!!..). Hay has been ordered and desperately needed - without it poor Pegasus will starve. Just moved to town, don’t know anyone that fits the bill, not rolling in cash at the moment…

Possible solutions I’m currently mulling over:
1. Canvas the local pub
2. Trademe
3. Send out texts to random numbers

…promising cold beer and free horse manure. Don’t wish to sell my body or first-born child (not that I’ve got one).

ALL OTHER SUGGESTIONS WELCOMED!

Where was the cosmic universe this time and why didn't I do a spell

Well well hasn't it been a while since I have left anything"! there is a reason for this my friends a, I can't write poetry
b, I could not remember my password and how to get into to the blog to put anything worth putting in....
so apologies sisters!!!
A weekend has passed. One that should of been filled with thrills and delights of what to come. But alas no, things did not work out this way did they? It had been arranged for me to meet a somewhat dark stranger whom I think is rather gorgeous to say the least. I was doing this for my sons but hey there is nothing wrong with living vicariously through your children some of
time!! I and my brood were to meet the lovely Dan Carter but unfortunately things worked against me and Dan from the beginning. Yes it did not come off at all oh woe is me. My darling husband was in Melbourne watching my eldest son play rugby himself and i was going to take my other two sons and a friend to meet the crusaders (whom which Dan Carter is apart off) 2pm on Friday I am told and excitment is building from all of us... but no they double booked there training field and were a little disappointed so they chose the movies instead... Friday nite I am promised to meet them in a bar no less in the casino (vodka vodka vodka ladies!) after 6pm but no I was awaiting a confirmation call and waited when un beknown to me I was expected to just show up..... Saturday is the game and woo they lost!!! So Sunday me and mine can get together with them to play a little bit of throwing the ball but alas again they were to sad that they lost and chose to hire a bus and go to Sydney early..... My plans for my future have now been destroyed and poor Dan has not had the priviledge of meeting me and my clan nor listen to my witty conversation and marvel that I am so damm cool and how could I possibly have three sons and look like this.... 40 years old no that is impossible he would say to himself while admiring my new physic which is pretty hughe sporting a backside like Jlo but I am embracing this as apparently men like curvier women... and i must say that I looked pretty damm HOT.. black hair black funky clothes and due to the lack of sunshine a fantastic pair of sunnies with very light lenses to be worn only in overcast weather conditions!!! Now reading this you may think but she is married and happily so I might add but really ladies there is nothing better than a little bit of young, body like a god, eye candy up close is there!!!! So unfortunately things took a wrong turn and sadly the crusaders lost with which I might add should they have met me I can promise would not have been the case... So I went back with my fantasies blown apart and back to Mum Wife and cool friend... But watch out Dan I will meet you and as for Brad Pitt well he should always be looking over his sholder!!!
Yours in magick ladies
Willow

Nature's Rust

Nature’s rust
As the world turns dead. Yet not.
Burnt orange, deep red, vibrant yellow
A fire whips through
In preparation for a new beginning

Leaves bigger than your head
Smother windshields in Nile Street
A new filter on afternoon light
Sends people scurrying

Cheeky fantails not at all perturbed
As animals grow woolly coats
And warm socks
Has anyone stopped to admire autumn?

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

Went to see internationally reknown body language expert, Allan Pease, perform tonight in Nelson. Pretty amusing guy. All you wanted to know and more about:

• charisma;
• talking to strangers;
• why asians often look surprised;
• why men take turns at speaking and women never shut up;
• why men can't multi-task;
• how to avoid looking like a bulldog after the age of 40;
• how to respond to that age-old trap - "does my bum look big in this?"

A few laughs had. The locals were friendly too.

Broken But Stylish

Today I am 33 going on 70. I feel broken. All my muscles hurt. My magic pony Pegasus (more personality than the traditional broomstick) and I went riding up in the Richmond hills yesterday - blasting up mountain bike trails, leaping up steep banks in a single horsey bound. Unfortunately we were both so unfit it was inevitable the steam would run out... and it did, about halfway up a very steep hill. We are both fatter and lazier than ever. I think perhaps the only answer is to do it all more often so the aftermath isn't so painful. Not that I've spoken to Pegasus yet today to see how he's feeling. He doesn't say much anyway and what he does say is pretty much always centred around food or long-legged mares.

Despite all the pain I've still managed to wear to work today the 3-inch stilleto fake snakeskin boots I bought last week in a sale. They were just crying out to me from the wardrobe and I couldn't deny them. Gotta walk the walk, eh.

How Predictable

I am Thea. Thea I am. I cackle often. In truth probably sometimes too much. A bit OTT, a bit gobby like, but sometimes I just can't help it, eh. Like just the other day I was out for a meal with these people I don’t know very well (like at all) and during dinner conversation I was in some state of ridiculous uncontrollable laughter about something I had in my mind and was trying to blurt out, when instead out of my open mouth splurted not words but the rice I was trying to consume at the time. I was totally unable to cease the hysterical convulsions my body was in and had to seriously take a few moments to compose myself before I could even finish my sentence. I’m sure they thought I was barking, but oh well shit happens and start as you mean to go on I suppose.

So anyway, the other day was Friday 13th (my favourite days of the year). A day witch for me started out really really badly – when my car basically blew itself up on the way to work and I tried unsuccessfully to hide my exasperated girlie tears behind my sunnies from the roadside assistance man – turned into a pretty good day thanks to my amazing Midas touch and magical powers of positivity. Then at the end of the day I was checking my emails to be told that I had won an online tarot reading. Great I thought, I’m pretty open minded to the powers of those gifted in the alternative arts. I dutifully sent off my 3 questions that would be answered and waited. Suffice to say the answers I received, although probably quite correct, did little to convince me of this person's extraordinary powers of the tarot. In short, here are my questions and the answers I received:

QUESTION: I’ve moved to a new town and miss having good mates around me. Will I make some good genuine friends very soon?
ANSWER: Join a club.

QUESTION: I’ve recently started my own business, will it be successful?
ANSWER: Be prepared to work hard and visualize it being successful.

QUESTION: I’m very fussy and thus been single for ages. When will I meet someone awesome?
ANSWER: You should be settled within the next 2-3 years.

Now I don’t expect, or even want, to be told what my future is down to the enth degree, but any fool could give the kind of vague responses I received back. To be honest I give myself better advice. So no, I will not pay $69.95 to receive a more comprehensive reading! Instead I now have my own set of tarot cards and until such time as I get bored of it I will endeavour to provide any Witches Cackle readers with my own personal style of tarot reading for free (and obviously with a not to be taken too seriously disclaimer). Send me your 3 questions via making a comment on this blog and I will put a post up with what the cards tell me. I do not guarantee anything except to make you feel good by smiling :)

Yrs, Thea the good witch.

a cackle a day keeps the dr away

My god here I am on my first blog and it has taken me at least twenty minutes to work out what font I should use!! My name is Willow I am married and three children all boys my walls are dripping testosterone two teenagers and a 7 year old going on 27. This morning after returning from my very taxing job I have managed to spend at least two hours on the phone.... talking to various friends about all the problems in the world sorting them all out and having numerous teas coffees and cigarettes at the same time who says we can't prioritise and multi task!!!! I still have not changed from work clothes I just keep looking at myself in the mirror saying do something but the other black angel on my sholder says who cares... Now true to the cosmic universe and its ways I will receive many visitors, house is a tip and I mean tip (those who can truely relate will know I mean really bad not talking about a tea towel out of place or a remote on the floor, I am talking where is the bloody remote...and what is a tea towel is it that crusty thing laying on the laundry floor) I digress but yes, people will come round because there is a big beacon above my house flashing letting off signals that the house is a mess her hair is atrotious and that she really isn't up to seeing people, are you with my sisters..Now if I looked fantastic (and don't be mistaken that does happen, and my house smelt of polish and bread cooking and coffee brewing (now that never happens) no one I mean no one would venture near me even if I invited them..... oh the unfairness of it all.... anycase enough of this I have things to do potions to make and spells to concoct and send to some
Yours in magick my sisters till next time
Willow

Welcome Friends!

Welcome to the Witches Cackle. A place for mumblings, laughter, joy, rants, stories and whatever else. Bring your cat and your broomstick, pour a mug of magic potion and stay a while. Enjoy an evening with friends.