Alter Ego?

I have a week to come up with an alter ego. An image that epitomises in my wildest dreams who I am and how I am perceived.

It’s all part of this fashion & style class I’ve been going to for something different to do. By now I possess (in theory at least) all the skills and dark arts to ensure I am never ever caught looking anything but my most fabulous. Yeah right.

It’s all good though. Next week is all about cultivating a personal style. So I need an alter ego apparently, but so far inspiration hasn’t exactly grabbed me. The woman who takes the class has a female James Bond as hers – sophisticated, sexy, resourceful, jumps buildings in a single bound – that sort of thing. Not bad, but my style is probably just a little more laid-back. That is, there are many aspects of my life where wearing glammed up gear everyday just wouldn’t work. Yet this is no reason not to be looking stylish at all times evidently.

So I’m thinking my alter ego would need to be pretty versatile. Like someone who happily hangs out in mountain cabins, looking gorgeous (yet fitting) whilst fixing tractors and covering oneself in mud. Is at home loitering around in dark alleys working as a covert spy (or perhaps is just mysteriously shady!). Yet with the uncanny ability to silence a room and send jaws dropping with classy and seductive evening style. Perhaps some sort of cross between Cameron Diaz, Urma Thurman, Lara Croft, Kate Hudson and goodness knows who else.

Hmmm… interesting, but I think it needs more work. As always, open to suggestions…

Rotten in Denmark

Due to a shortage of space, at one of the jobs I work my desk is located in a corridor between offices, the kitchen and WCs. It has its advantages - I have the best view in the whole building and get to talk to lots of folk passing by throughout the day. Unfortunately I also have a direct view to the toilets and can’t help but be aware of comings and goings throughout the day.

Now we’re all human and what goes on in there is a private matter between you and your backside as far as I’m concerned …until a fluttering brown eye is flaunted in the public domain that is. Not mentioning any names ofcourse, but there’s this one older guy who pretty much everyday without fail attends to his “needs”. You know it’s coming as soon as he closes the door. The room starts shaking and everybody within a 200m radius is awoken from their reverie by a thundering clap. Followed by what can only be described as all too realistic moist, wet, rotten faaAAAAArting noises. Call me a girl, but it’s definitely enough to put me off my stride and make me feel a little nauseous.

The environment is pretty much male dominated and they all think make great jokes about it - but not to his face I notice – I reckon deep down they’re scared too! They work in IT. I reckon they should create him a little icon for his computer desktop. It would have a picture of a piece of crap, all brown, smelly and disgusting like. Underneath it could simply say “Happens Daily”.

Maybe he’s a mate of Kevin Bloody Wilson. Or a reincarnation of famous French professional farter, Joseph Pujol (aka Le Pétomane). Or perhaps he’s a wombat. A wombat? Yeah, the wombat uses its bum to produce something of a novelty – square poos. No shit!

Whatever he is, I've made a mental note never to shake his hand.

The best of friends

Here's to you Teal, my beloved Doberman who sadly died this weekend. You lived life fast and full and I'm so sorry I couldn't keep you safe. You always did run much faster than you could think.

I loved you as my family, thank you for the awesome years we had together. We had some wicked adventures eh, and you were certainly well travelled for being only 5. You were one big bounding idiot, exuberant just in the joy of life. Simply, you wanted to make friends with everybody you came across, whether 4 paws or 2, and you won over many and most hearts. You gave the best doggy hugs and bought a smile to my face every single day no matter what was going on in life. I choose to remember you so.

Maybe God has finally given you the tail you never had (not that you were ever short of wag). I’m sure there’s plenty of doves and angels to chase up there - assuming they don’t have seagulls in heaven – and you and Kosher are keeping good company now.

I will miss you and your velvety ears more than I care to admit. LUM xx

Perspective

The lense you look through dictates what you see
...sometimes you cannot see wood for all the trees
Alter the focus, play with the light
What once seemed dim may in fact be bright

The colour of your dog

A little melancholy is slipping in this week. Even just the passing thought of being suffocated by it gives me the shits. Too much work and no play, and too much time in my own company I suspect. I need a change of scenery.

I’ve been here 3 months and haven’t ventured too much further than my own backyard (a couple of trips up North hardly count). It’s a long weekend next week - the last of ‘em until October in fact. I need to go somewhere. Somewhere I’ve never been before.

I own a new set of wheels and plenty of warm gear. Perhaps I’ll just set off in a direction and see what happens. After all, I own a brown dog, not a black one.

Mix'n'Match

OK, so admittedly I've seen more flattering pics, but... reckon ya can correctly match these dogs to their owners below? If so, what gives it away?

This is more riveting than the Woman's Day huh :P

Send your answers via a comment. A point for guessing each correct combination; a further point for each ...errr... semi-logical reason for putting each combination together. In the meantime I'll think of an appropriate prize.

Like sands through the hourglass...

If time is a commodity, where can I get some more?
I don’t want to pay for it; I’m feeling a little poor
I’d like some more hours in the day to do the stuff I like
To walk the dog, read a book, or maybe ride my bike

I would like to gallop my horse and keep him company
To sit quietly on a grassy hill; take time to simply be
A few hours to daydream - and many more to sleep
Practice being a couch potato …or run and jump and leap

To laugh with friends and lend a helping hand
Dress up in a party frock, boogie down to funky band
Time enough to follow up on all those bright spark plans
Bake a cake, roast a chook and down a few cold cans!

To use the bathroom without thinking - “crikey, it needs a clean”
Go off each day, be hard at work and make my wallet beam
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my life
It could be worse - I could be bored - indeed that would be strife!

Meet Buck

I’ve got someone new in my life:

He’s dark & sexy; yet not too flashy
Strong, agile and responsive
The rugged outdoors type, but still very smoooove…
The ideal versatile companion

Looks a bit like this only he’s black. Can't vouch for the snow handling yet, but already done the thick 2am fog thing bringing him back down south last night. I'm sure he'll pull the hosses round just dandy.

...Only I can’t decide - should I clean him or get him dirty???

I see it all clearly

Went to the ophthalmologist today. Made me uncomfortable not least because I find it difficult to spell, but also because I hate having foreign objects in my eyes. I even gave up trying to wear contact lenses because I could never get the gist of putting them in without spending hours in front of the mirror and ending up looking like a crying panda. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that should be in my eyes is somebody else’s, preferably whispering sweet nothings or something equally as pleasurable.

So I’m in there having my pre-consultant briefing with this woman who’s trying to put some ophthalmology go-gadgetry thing right in my retinas to measure their pressure. Uh-uh, I don’t think so! I can’t help it eh, it’s just my eye’s natural reaction to close up and keep foreign bodies out. After about 5 minutes I sense the woman is getting just a little shitty and probably wants to thump me round the head with her ophthalmology gadget, only she’s far too polite to say. But there’s no missing the exasperation in the air.

We finally get there and next I rock into the ophthalmologist’s office thinking it’s just gonna be more of the same - why did I come here! But this guy’s been around, I could tell. He immediately puts me at ease with his relaxed humour. Whilst I admire his imaginative approach, trying to attach a paperclip to my eyelash in order to grasp it and keep it open (modern technology, eh!) was probably never going to work. However, I could tell that he thinks like me – there’s always more than one way to skin a cat. Instead he opts for the plain old distraction technique. Laughter and a gentle touch will get you anywhere with me (...ssssh, don’t tell anyone)! Before I know it I’ve had stinging colour dyes, long tubes and sharp objects right in my eye. Mate, I’m happy to pay you the $100 odd bucks just to observe your approach!

Please stop witching & moaning at me

Okay, so I suspect that this wee rant could offend some people and lose me a few readers… but I don’t care cos you lot never leave me any comments anyway. Blogs are supposed to be interactive you know!

I’m not an overly sympathetic person. I mean, I’m supportive of people – if something bad has happened or if someone needs help or encouragement – hey, I’m there. I do take a fairly practical approach to most things though, and if you wanted someone to sit beside you for hours clucking and wiping your brow… well that someone probably isn’t me. If the tables were turned, I’d rather you cracked jokes to try and laugh me out of my misery than sat their sobbing with me in sympathy.

So it probably won’t surprise you to know that sometimes… just sometimes… the dark witch inside me really has to hold herself back from dishing out a few brash face slaps to get some people to tune into reality! …Oops, I shouldn’t have said that out loud should I?

I can be patient, but I find it very difficult past a certain point. I lose respect pretty quickly for people that repetitively whinge, moan or generally feel sorry for themselves without having the guts or motivation to do anything about it. There are opportunities for everyone everywhere; you just have to want to see them.

The following expressions have all been done-to-death and yet uncannily still hold true:

1. The world does not owe you any favours. AKA: quit blaming everyone else.
2. Shit happens to everyone. Sometimes small shit, sometimes big nasty shit. Recognise it, but don't live your whole life using it as an excuse for who you choose to be now.
3. Actions speak louder than words. Always.
4. You cannot control others' actions, but you do have control over your own.
5. It is better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all. AKA: what are you so afraid of and is it really that bad?
6. If people do not know you for who you really are, they cannot possibly love you. AKA: stop faking it.
7. You are responsible for your own life and happiness. AKA: Live life like you mean it.

Right, I’m going to go now before somebody points out that I still haven’t stopped smoking or lost those extra pounds… and if anyone makes any comments about bloody Nelson hippies …well, just watch out :P

Prison Break

The funniest thing I’ve heard for a few days was my fabulous friend telling me about her week and how she’d managed to lock herself in a small room of a back flat she was painting. She waited hours (with her cigarettes left in another room – bummer!) for one of the neighbours to go out into their backyard, upon which she eagerly tried to catch his attention by yelling through a small crack, as far as the window would open.

After finally convincing him she was not taking the mickey and explaining (as much as you can through a narrow crack) that she was stuck in the room, she was finally released. The stranger came and let her out whilst bending over backwards laughing his head off.

This is the same gal who a few months ago, whilst trying to break into my brothers house after locking ourselves out, stood in hysterics whilst I got stuck in a very small top light window saying “if you could just get your arse in…”. Hey F – I think we’re even now, eh…

I got lost in a toilet cubical once and couldn’t find my way out, but that doesn’t count cos it was pitch black and I was only 6.

The Wicked Witch's Kitchen

I seem to have become something of a professional dinner guest. I probably eat more at other peoples’ houses than I actually ever cook at my own. It’s even got to the stage that when people ask me “Would you like to stay for dinner?" my response is often - “Maybe, but what are you having?” That’s really bad right? Really rude. But nevertheless true - I’m nothing if not honest.

Maybe I should look at it more as singing for my supper. They provide the food and I provide the entertainment. Better still, perhaps I could become one of those professional dinner speakers, like for charity events and stuff? Maybe I have to be famous first though, eh.

Last year I was staying with some good friends of mine in Aus, and as they were going out, I offered to cook dinner for their kids so they didn’t have to worry about it. It was only afterward that my friend (who has been like a sister to me for 20 years) said “I didn’t realise you could actually cook”. It’s all just a myth ofcourse; I can cook. I can even cook quite well when I put my mind to it. It’s just the sheer routine boredom of it that I don’t particularly like. I mean, if it's the weekend and you have heaps of time it can be quite cool. But otherwise it just seems like a bit of a chore and a distraction from other stuff that I’d rather be doing.

I’ve even had long-term relationships with guys who believed I could not cook. Personally, I reckon I’m onto a good thing – 1) if they think I can’t cook I get out of it nicely the majority of the time, and 2) when I do knock up something simple they make a big deal out of! My kind of entertaining is either potluck, or nibbles and cocktails and cocktails and cocktails and cocktails. To redeem myself though, last year I did go to the extreme and baked a chocolate cake for a guy I had a crush on. I made it from scratch with extra special icing and everything. He didn’t really appreciate it enough though until it was too late and by then I had lost interest… The only other baking I've done since then was delicious, but for some reason it made me see funny.

Anyway, I’m determined to change my useless ways. I WILL TRY to become more organised and creative in the kitchen. Willow gave me this cool link to a foodie website where you can enter in your ingredients and it returns appropriate recipes. That might keep me amused for at least a week! If you’re interested, check it out. My own cuisine links are of a sightly different theme, but no less fun or exotic. I find a blender helps.

Better go now - I’ve been invited out for dinner tonight to a nice house on the hills above Tahuna! ;P

Open To Suggestions...

Problem:
Need to find strapping lad(s)/lad-ess(es) to help me load/unload 60 bales of hay on Saturday (cos person sharing the hay with me and who will remain nameless has let me down, grrrr, bmph, !@#$?!!!..). Hay has been ordered and desperately needed - without it poor Pegasus will starve. Just moved to town, don’t know anyone that fits the bill, not rolling in cash at the moment…

Possible solutions I’m currently mulling over:
1. Canvas the local pub
2. Trademe
3. Send out texts to random numbers

…promising cold beer and free horse manure. Don’t wish to sell my body or first-born child (not that I’ve got one).

ALL OTHER SUGGESTIONS WELCOMED!

Where was the cosmic universe this time and why didn't I do a spell

Well well hasn't it been a while since I have left anything"! there is a reason for this my friends a, I can't write poetry
b, I could not remember my password and how to get into to the blog to put anything worth putting in....
so apologies sisters!!!
A weekend has passed. One that should of been filled with thrills and delights of what to come. But alas no, things did not work out this way did they? It had been arranged for me to meet a somewhat dark stranger whom I think is rather gorgeous to say the least. I was doing this for my sons but hey there is nothing wrong with living vicariously through your children some of
time!! I and my brood were to meet the lovely Dan Carter but unfortunately things worked against me and Dan from the beginning. Yes it did not come off at all oh woe is me. My darling husband was in Melbourne watching my eldest son play rugby himself and i was going to take my other two sons and a friend to meet the crusaders (whom which Dan Carter is apart off) 2pm on Friday I am told and excitment is building from all of us... but no they double booked there training field and were a little disappointed so they chose the movies instead... Friday nite I am promised to meet them in a bar no less in the casino (vodka vodka vodka ladies!) after 6pm but no I was awaiting a confirmation call and waited when un beknown to me I was expected to just show up..... Saturday is the game and woo they lost!!! So Sunday me and mine can get together with them to play a little bit of throwing the ball but alas again they were to sad that they lost and chose to hire a bus and go to Sydney early..... My plans for my future have now been destroyed and poor Dan has not had the priviledge of meeting me and my clan nor listen to my witty conversation and marvel that I am so damm cool and how could I possibly have three sons and look like this.... 40 years old no that is impossible he would say to himself while admiring my new physic which is pretty hughe sporting a backside like Jlo but I am embracing this as apparently men like curvier women... and i must say that I looked pretty damm HOT.. black hair black funky clothes and due to the lack of sunshine a fantastic pair of sunnies with very light lenses to be worn only in overcast weather conditions!!! Now reading this you may think but she is married and happily so I might add but really ladies there is nothing better than a little bit of young, body like a god, eye candy up close is there!!!! So unfortunately things took a wrong turn and sadly the crusaders lost with which I might add should they have met me I can promise would not have been the case... So I went back with my fantasies blown apart and back to Mum Wife and cool friend... But watch out Dan I will meet you and as for Brad Pitt well he should always be looking over his sholder!!!
Yours in magick ladies
Willow